Yes, baby, I do...

The question that rips my heart open and exposes so much:
Mommy?  Do you love me as much as you do Campbell?


My mom and I have not always had the best relationship.  I was the typical "know-it-all, stubborn, smart-mouth, Miss Independent" teenager.  My mom always tried to "butt-in, hover, make decisions for me, etc."  We hit a rough patch for quite a while after my parents went through their divorce.

Life was not butterflies and sunshine growing up in my house.  In fact, it was F5 tornadoes and hurricanes most of the time.  Despite our relationship, the biggest thing I can credit my mom for is seeking refuge in our church and letting that be the one place we knew we could escape to.  My mom had us at church every time the doors were open.  The biggest growth of my spiritual life occurred during my time in our youth group.  It would have never happened had my mom not been willing to get us there.  Even when I was able to drive, my parents didn't buy me a car, so mom and I shared hers.  She was always willing to give up her time so we could be part of church.   I am grateful for that.

That is something that I want my girls to remember me for.

I want them to remember that their mommy and daddy shared the love of Jesus with them and had them involved in their church.  But, I can't rely on just the church to plant that seed in my girls.  Pete and I have to be the first example they see daily.  No, it won't always be butterflies and sunshine.  Sometimes it will be hurricanes and tornadoes.  Sometimes that love will come through forms of punishment.  Other times it will come through playing Barbies in the hallway and on the bathroom floor.

That is something I want my girls to remember me for.

When we lay in bed tonight and AK asks that question, it opens up a thought process that can't be closed.  Do I show more love to C than I do AK?  What have I done or not done to make her think this?  Do I spend enough time alone with each girl?  Do they truly understand that I love them so much it hurts?  Does AK know that the love for her is different than C, because she is my firstborn?

Holding back the tears, I can only say,

Yes, baby, I do...with all of my heart.  You both are the reason I am a mommy.